Cat drama

Cuckoo

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Finite Parallel 54

Poverty, Mental Illness and 2013 Survival

Today a lady on Google+ sent a message asking simply the question, "Hey Troy, What's up?" I had recently added her to my followers circle as return she had added me. Before I added her I noticed in the dim and small icon that she seemed to be meditating perhaps in an Akido pose, so I looked at her profile filled with imagery of Vietnam. Farmers with oxen and other striking imagery of the native territory. I added her an forgot.
Tonight I sat in reflection thinking, "I'm feeling kind of restricted. I have only left Missoula once in the last ten years. Cat owners all must have similar difficulties. I'm so local, domestic...I'll probably never leave Missoula, again. Maybe if I had a roommate It could free me from the cats a bit and... ". Then I realized I don't want a platonic roommate relationship. I'd rather live alone. I guess what I really want is a girlfriend!
Then I said to myself, "What my number one sociologically limiting factor. Is it my mental Illness? No it's poverty."
After reflecting on that for a moment I started thinking about survival in America and realized on Social Security Disability benefits I earn enough money to survive and with rental assistance I should not be going to the food bank tomorrow to feed myself. So what is going on?
Sadly my debt takes most of my income, but even then at least I could follow the adage, "The least amount of Harm"; at least in regard to others earned income (financially). What does the mean? It means rather then saving my meager income and buying a tablet computer. I intend to buy my own groceries and focus on survival until I'm free of debt.
It's like the clash say, "Let me tell you about your blood familiy kid. It ain't coke a cola, it's rice."
So I'll be thinking of the Vietnamese rice farmers when I go grocery shopping.
Poverty is not a symptom of schizophrenia, it's a symptom of isolation in America.

Reflections on Love from my Life Experiences at 44

Nearing 44 years of age and never having been in love. It's tempting to say I have failed. I have slept with three different women three times in my life for a total of three times. Of those three women one was my roommate and friend, one was a potential friend, and one was a neighbor and not even a friend. While this is very sad, I want to qualify what I mean about love. When I say I have never been in love, I do not mean I have never fallin in love with anybody, rather I mean no one has ever fallen in love with me during the time I was in love with them. In fact seemingly no one has ever fallen in love with me in regard to a lasting relationship.
Perhaps the longest I have ever maintained any relationship with the opposite sex was my friendship with my roommate. Yet this was never intended to be a relationship involving intimacy in fact she had an interpersonal relationship with another man and was fairly free in regard to sexuality. While I consider love to be intertwined with physical intimacy it's more than that. Usually in every encounter sexually, of the three times, there has always been a little love at least for a short time.
What's nice about fully maturing is the physical pressing need or desire to have sex is replaced by a better feeling for life. While I have always enjoyed the physical aspects, they to some degree have less influence over my actions and are largely tempered by a quest for companionship and love. Sex is paled in comparison to a good relationship that lasts for even a month. I do not want casual sex, and I'm not a prude yet what I want and need is for someone to care for me as much as I care for them.
So have I failed? Yes. In fact for whatever reason once I insinuate I'm looking for a relationship involving more than just a platonic friendship it usually result in either the estrangement of said person or a fear based reaction that usually get's me in trouble. Every once in a while I see anger. The end result is that rather then confront me for whatever action I was offending them by they go find a man to have a word with me even once getting a cop. If this is the reaction I put them on my less then human list, avoid them at all costs and never talk to them. In fact I consider it out right cowardly (though yes there are reasons for safety first) and one reason women are often labeled as manipulative.
Despite this I do not generalize in regard to an individuals reaction with respect to all women. In fact I do not carry any grudge or hate for the women who felt for some reason I was a threat. While I'm avoiding being self judgmental  what I could definitively say is there is a difficulty both in the communication going on but also the comprehension of not only myself but these estranged women I have offended.
My difficulties aren't as clear as saying I'm a social misfit that can't communicate with women. In fact, so long as I don't suggest anything interpersonal or intimate I usually have no difficulty. Sadly my failures have left me with little in regard for even this notion of true love. In fact if I reflect on atheism love is as ridiculous a concept as god who primal roots are intertwined with are base biological needs. There really is nothing that glorious about love it's just an abstract label society has over glorified because of sex, and propagation of the species and that we as individuals have been taught by everyone that is some abstract magnanimous state of ultimate living while most people that have married or been in a relationship bitch and moan because there life sucks just as much afterwards as before.
Yet in regard to love the analogy to atheism is not quite in my site yet. In fact my views about monogamous love are more in line with agnostic that is waiting for proof and in this case hoping the fairy tale dream one day becomes a lifelong reality. (I will not even ponder polyamorous love at least until I have realized love between another and myself, and I think I'd be satisfied with anyone that could stick with me a year.)
In finale I'll soon be forty five and I look forward to the future, but I have to ask myself can one reason away the emotion of pain or love one has felt in their life. It's like a close balance and if the scale tips to far towards emotional pain we may never recover. Because of my own negative experiences, I feel it's best not to put my foot out there in regard to this hypothetical quest for love. It's a time of equality and I intend to be a duck. That is I'm available but will not be seeking a relationship, rather I'll wait for a women to open the idea. It's a role reversal because in all likelihood and in all respects I'm the one that has the disability.

Google+ Paradigm

I'm making an attempt to stay active today. They say it's a common symptom for people with schizophrenia to sit for long periods of time just thinking. To me it's similar to watching the stream on Google+ as your inundated with media very little of which invites you to participate in conversation. It's feeding the need to know about current events but seems to lack the participatory element that is seemingly integral with the social network.

There are several barriers of course to participation:

•  public conversation invite everyone, but everyone is isomorphic to inviting no one. A poster might think, Wow I found this look how interesting! I think I'll post it on Google+, yet of a hundred things, people find interesting only a few are interesting to the follower. 
• The second most common barrier in my opinion is about self esteem. Insecurity about age, profession, knowledge all fit into the category of insecure self esteem.
• A third barrier is what I call the flood of information barrier. You may find a post interesting yet you might not comment if you find you have nothing to say after you have been inundated with information while sitting passively consuming the posts and comments.
• The generation gap which perhaps could regarded as a life experiences gap some time strikes out a prevents people from participating.
• Yet another barrier is simple ignorance. If you find the conversation is in regard to something you know little about you might refrain so that you don't sound "stupid". 

Despite the barrier though even for passive inundation of media Google+ has it's limits. To some these limits are obvious. Each individual is responsible for who they follow on Google+ so the content in a sense is filtered by your own personal preferences. The only risk is that your media is colored and not accurate because your perspective is limited, but Google+ is not a news network; it's more of a he said she said about this network. To that end if you sit passively reading the information then you have sacrificed your critical thinking skills. Who's doing the fact checking.

As for fact checking it seems more important now then ever. Reputations grow quickly and last a long time on the internet. It's not easy to change your reputation once something has gone awry. In a sense there is no separation between Google+ or other social networks and the real world. The internet has broadened the geographical limits and allowed us to communicate to a much larger audience then ever before, yet it has not dissolved peoples expectation of being treated as human and if you act like a jerk people will block you.

In the end Google+ is meant for humans, despite what you might think about cat's. While I could sit passively thinking for hours while looking across the room at the white on the walls at least Google+ gives me the ability to express myself to others and maybe learn from anyone I choose to follow. I can't control peoples opinion and wouldn't want to, but with a little critical thinking, self esteem and shredding of communication barriers Google+ has created a new paradigm.

Maple Leaf Chew

      The maple leaf chew is a leaf rolled up by hand and finger gathered in fall from the tree and branch yet, not off the ground. It is the fresh weather chew that comes too you of the season. From the air the feather knew of once dusky weather they say they also, they also knew.
     Unlike the ground tobacco of Copenhagen chew, that one the flew was free for he knew it true. Unlike the ground weather of the soul in rainier deather it knew no beads of the dusky dues. That is all I shall say of that sad, sad day I like the others in there own way. So on to this review. This review for you of the maple leaf chew.
    Does is take you on long, long shews of all the ones you ever knew? Well no, no that is your weather your  Merry Weather in his home land he once knew, as Missoula, Montana. So don't the Canadians have a million of what had once been given to you. No, no not that either in brassin lights it's colder there there heart is true. We have one last question of you. What was her name when she gave it to you....
   That neither did I nor or knew or know I no he's name in shadows of night we toasted under brassin lights. So that maple leaf was a man when he said his name to me. Yet I will not say his name to you his name he so tells, tell to, so far and few.
    To summarize your bloggy man shoes I like the weather yet still I prefer the Copenhagen Longcut chew. For one reason; The Romanian I met in German shoes, Nurenburg they say of Southern Bavaria. Good bye to those it said it's fair through young man he knew.

Pride and Self Worth

In the church you are taught to be humble rather than prideful, as though pride was some form of self deceit and a feeling instilled by the devil. I could not disagree more. Taking pride in our accomplishments reinforces self worth and provides motivation for future success.
There is nothing like the feeling you get when you have done a good deed, or fulfilled your responsibilities. You look back in reflection thinking I feel good about what I have done. This is the kind of pride that tells us we are not worthless, specs of humanity in a world full of ants. That even the smallest accomplishment has worth and that we have purpose and meaning in our life. They told me in the Army once even being alive is a reason to be proud, and taken in perspective it's great to be alive.
Yet pride is not greedy, we can be proud of are children when they try their hardest to do well in school, or win a soccer match. Pride in others tells them that they have done something that only they could do. It gives a feeling of uniqueness to people, "Yes only you have accomplished the things you have in your time on earth!".
Pride is earned, it is not self deceit. Self deceit is egotism, and pride is different. People that are egotistical, often have very low self esteem inside, but pride is a good feeling; one that is earned.
So take pride even in the small things, and remember you are unique and very special. Be happy at your accomplishments, and the accomplishments of others.

Morality Revisited

This morning I called my mother as I usually do. She questioned my choice in agreeing to pay off the debt I have with one of my credit card companies. Stating simply that I could not survive on fifty dollars a month it was clear I had made the wrong decision during a time of stress. I called the creditor and explained that I could not honor the agreement to pay back the debt.
In my last post I explained my position describing my alcohol abuse and cigaret addiction as I questioned my moral character in not paying the creditor. It is clear that I should not be spending a cent on these to habits when I'm not even paying for my own groceries. It is clear that compulsive spending on tech toys is the wrong thing to be spending my food money on. I can not defend my moral character, and using my mental health as an excuse seems rather lame. Even the adage A man can not survive on food alone, seems not to be applicable.
All I can say is I made a series of very bad choices that has resulted in my current financial crisis, and there is nothing I can do to change the past. Still, I can try to move forward in the future by focusing on the fundamentals of living and abstaining from spending my money on alcohol. While I'd like to include cigarets in that category I'm highly addicted and nothing short of rehab could free me.
I can use these mistakes to teach me a lesson on how to better myself morally and otherwise. The alternative being I destroy myself with guilt.

Money and Morality on SSDI

My sister thought was suffering from OCD symptoms, but my doctor said these symptoms where aspects of my diagnosed mental illness paranoid schizophrenia. My sister was not referring to my compulsive spending tendencies when she would this, but I can't help but wonder if there is any connection. I was simply experiencing the craze of tech addiction, the need to have the newest toy or computer. A necessity somewhat driven by the advancement in gaming technology that requires newer more powerful hardware every two to three years. This is what led me from impoverished to destitute.
I receive Social Security Disability Income or SSDI for short. In first applying for SSDI, I had to swallow a lot of my pride. It was a time when I was still in denial about my illness. A time when I thought I should be treated no different then any other person struggling to survive with a limited education. Nevertheless I applied for and after going before a judge was approved.
It was over ten years ago and the first thing I bought was a computer. I had never had that much money at once (social disability income pays back checks from the time you apply to the time you are approved). At the same time I also returned to school and two years later was awarded an associates degree in micro computing technology. Perhaps then I could get a job that I would enjoy and allow me to pay back the money I received from SSDI somehow. I actually thought this was a possibility at the time and had a record of how much I had collected. 
Eight years later I was forty years old and never once been hired for anything relating to computers. I worked for three years at Taco Treat before then and that is when I got my first credit card. I paid religiously at first saying I would make no purchase greater then I could afford to pay back at the end of the month. That didn't last, and soon I was on a yearly schedule of computer upgrades.
I ended up moving when I was forty to my current residence and got a different job at Walgreens, but my mental health issues where getting worse and I lasted only a year at the job. Schizophrenia has a tendency to get worse not better.
I was still using credit cards; after Walgreens I had three total which I was regularly buying big item purchase with. A new HD TV that I ended up giving to away to my parents, a PlayStation 3 that I gave to the neighbor kids. Of all the items I bought on SSDI, the only thing I have left is a ton of debt a computer system.
A year ago, I did not even have enough money to buy groceries. One of my cats had diabetes and my parents where paying for cat food, vet bills, and insulin (a heafty sum). That is one reason I gave them my TV, for all the help they had given me while Matty was alive. I was going to the local food bank regularly for food, while I payed off my credit cards.
Then I just stopped paying, sacrificing another moral. I was tired of struggling for food, but I was drinking at the time and I'm a smoker. Every month beer, tobacco, food. Even then though I'd sacrifice groceries and go to the food bank so I could afford a tech toy, a new gaming mouse, a new headset etc. I was ashamed and living in shame.
Today I settled with one credit card agency which leaves me with approximately fifty dollars left over, not including groceries. Morality hit a roadblock. I bought the stuff; I should pay back my debt.Yet in regard to the other two credit cards they will never be payed back and there is nothing to save my morality having been already sacrificed.

Foundation

Today I start a new chapter in ripsnet, having moved from a hosted domain via hostgator. I have decided to simplify, by creating this blog which will simplify my management and keep me focused. It is quite the change and for anyone that is really serious I would suggested a hosted domain, but for me this will serve my purpose and save on hosting fees.
 I intend to have a rather relaxed posting schedule, maybe once per week. Sometimes it may even be less, though I hope for more frequent posts. It usually depends on the amount of inspiration I feel which seems harder and harder to come by now days.
So without further ado I wish you a pleasant visit and hope to hear from my readers via your comments.