Nearing 44 years of age and never having been in love. It's tempting to say I have failed. I have slept with three different women three times in my life for a total of three times. Of those three women one was my roommate and friend, one was a potential friend, and one was a neighbor and not even a friend. While this is very sad, I want to qualify what I mean about love. When I say I have never been in love, I do not mean I have never fallin in love with anybody, rather I mean no one has ever fallen in love with me during the time I was in love with them. In fact seemingly no one has ever fallen in love with me in regard to a lasting relationship.
Perhaps the longest I have ever maintained any relationship with the opposite sex was my friendship with my roommate. Yet this was never intended to be a relationship involving intimacy in fact she had an interpersonal relationship with another man and was fairly free in regard to sexuality. While I consider love to be intertwined with physical intimacy it's more than that. Usually in every encounter sexually, of the three times, there has always been a little love at least for a short time.
What's nice about fully maturing is the physical pressing need or desire to have sex is replaced by a better feeling for life. While I have always enjoyed the physical aspects, they to some degree have less influence over my actions and are largely tempered by a quest for companionship and love. Sex is paled in comparison to a good relationship that lasts for even a month. I do not want casual sex, and I'm not a prude yet what I want and need is for someone to care for me as much as I care for them.
So have I failed? Yes. In fact for whatever reason once I insinuate I'm looking for a relationship involving more than just a platonic friendship it usually result in either the estrangement of said person or a fear based reaction that usually get's me in trouble. Every once in a while I see anger. The end result is that rather then confront me for whatever action I was offending them by they go find a man to have a word with me even once getting a cop. If this is the reaction I put them on my less then human list, avoid them at all costs and never talk to them. In fact I consider it out right cowardly (though yes there are reasons for safety first) and one reason women are often labeled as manipulative.
Despite this I do not generalize in regard to an individuals reaction with respect to all women. In fact I do not carry any grudge or hate for the women who felt for some reason I was a threat. While I'm avoiding being self judgmental what I could definitively say is there is a difficulty both in the communication going on but also the comprehension of not only myself but these estranged women I have offended.
My difficulties aren't as clear as saying I'm a social misfit that can't communicate with women. In fact, so long as I don't suggest anything interpersonal or intimate I usually have no difficulty. Sadly my failures have left me with little in regard for even this notion of true love. In fact if I reflect on atheism love is as ridiculous a concept as god who primal roots are intertwined with are base biological needs. There really is nothing that glorious about love it's just an abstract label society has over glorified because of sex, and propagation of the species and that we as individuals have been taught by everyone that is some abstract magnanimous state of ultimate living while most people that have married or been in a relationship bitch and moan because there life sucks just as much afterwards as before.
Yet in regard to love the analogy to atheism is not quite in my site yet. In fact my views about monogamous love are more in line with agnostic that is waiting for proof and in this case hoping the fairy tale dream one day becomes a lifelong reality. (I will not even ponder polyamorous love at least until I have realized love between another and myself, and I think I'd be satisfied with anyone that could stick with me a year.)
In finale I'll soon be forty five and I look forward to the future, but I have to ask myself can one reason away the emotion of pain or love one has felt in their life. It's like a close balance and if the scale tips to far towards emotional pain we may never recover. Because of my own negative experiences, I feel it's best not to put my foot out there in regard to this hypothetical quest for love. It's a time of equality and I intend to be a duck. That is I'm available but will not be seeking a relationship, rather I'll wait for a women to open the idea. It's a role reversal because in all likelihood and in all respects I'm the one that has the disability.
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