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Finite Parallel 54

Poverty, Mental Illness and 2013 Survival

Today a lady on Google+ sent a message asking simply the question, "Hey Troy, What's up?" I had recently added her to my followers circle as return she had added me. Before I added her I noticed in the dim and small icon that she seemed to be meditating perhaps in an Akido pose, so I looked at her profile filled with imagery of Vietnam. Farmers with oxen and other striking imagery of the native territory. I added her an forgot.
Tonight I sat in reflection thinking, "I'm feeling kind of restricted. I have only left Missoula once in the last ten years. Cat owners all must have similar difficulties. I'm so local, domestic...I'll probably never leave Missoula, again. Maybe if I had a roommate It could free me from the cats a bit and... ". Then I realized I don't want a platonic roommate relationship. I'd rather live alone. I guess what I really want is a girlfriend!
Then I said to myself, "What my number one sociologically limiting factor. Is it my mental Illness? No it's poverty."
After reflecting on that for a moment I started thinking about survival in America and realized on Social Security Disability benefits I earn enough money to survive and with rental assistance I should not be going to the food bank tomorrow to feed myself. So what is going on?
Sadly my debt takes most of my income, but even then at least I could follow the adage, "The least amount of Harm"; at least in regard to others earned income (financially). What does the mean? It means rather then saving my meager income and buying a tablet computer. I intend to buy my own groceries and focus on survival until I'm free of debt.
It's like the clash say, "Let me tell you about your blood familiy kid. It ain't coke a cola, it's rice."
So I'll be thinking of the Vietnamese rice farmers when I go grocery shopping.
Poverty is not a symptom of schizophrenia, it's a symptom of isolation in America.

Reflections on Love from my Life Experiences at 44

Nearing 44 years of age and never having been in love. It's tempting to say I have failed. I have slept with three different women three times in my life for a total of three times. Of those three women one was my roommate and friend, one was a potential friend, and one was a neighbor and not even a friend. While this is very sad, I want to qualify what I mean about love. When I say I have never been in love, I do not mean I have never fallin in love with anybody, rather I mean no one has ever fallen in love with me during the time I was in love with them. In fact seemingly no one has ever fallen in love with me in regard to a lasting relationship.
Perhaps the longest I have ever maintained any relationship with the opposite sex was my friendship with my roommate. Yet this was never intended to be a relationship involving intimacy in fact she had an interpersonal relationship with another man and was fairly free in regard to sexuality. While I consider love to be intertwined with physical intimacy it's more than that. Usually in every encounter sexually, of the three times, there has always been a little love at least for a short time.
What's nice about fully maturing is the physical pressing need or desire to have sex is replaced by a better feeling for life. While I have always enjoyed the physical aspects, they to some degree have less influence over my actions and are largely tempered by a quest for companionship and love. Sex is paled in comparison to a good relationship that lasts for even a month. I do not want casual sex, and I'm not a prude yet what I want and need is for someone to care for me as much as I care for them.
So have I failed? Yes. In fact for whatever reason once I insinuate I'm looking for a relationship involving more than just a platonic friendship it usually result in either the estrangement of said person or a fear based reaction that usually get's me in trouble. Every once in a while I see anger. The end result is that rather then confront me for whatever action I was offending them by they go find a man to have a word with me even once getting a cop. If this is the reaction I put them on my less then human list, avoid them at all costs and never talk to them. In fact I consider it out right cowardly (though yes there are reasons for safety first) and one reason women are often labeled as manipulative.
Despite this I do not generalize in regard to an individuals reaction with respect to all women. In fact I do not carry any grudge or hate for the women who felt for some reason I was a threat. While I'm avoiding being self judgmental  what I could definitively say is there is a difficulty both in the communication going on but also the comprehension of not only myself but these estranged women I have offended.
My difficulties aren't as clear as saying I'm a social misfit that can't communicate with women. In fact, so long as I don't suggest anything interpersonal or intimate I usually have no difficulty. Sadly my failures have left me with little in regard for even this notion of true love. In fact if I reflect on atheism love is as ridiculous a concept as god who primal roots are intertwined with are base biological needs. There really is nothing that glorious about love it's just an abstract label society has over glorified because of sex, and propagation of the species and that we as individuals have been taught by everyone that is some abstract magnanimous state of ultimate living while most people that have married or been in a relationship bitch and moan because there life sucks just as much afterwards as before.
Yet in regard to love the analogy to atheism is not quite in my site yet. In fact my views about monogamous love are more in line with agnostic that is waiting for proof and in this case hoping the fairy tale dream one day becomes a lifelong reality. (I will not even ponder polyamorous love at least until I have realized love between another and myself, and I think I'd be satisfied with anyone that could stick with me a year.)
In finale I'll soon be forty five and I look forward to the future, but I have to ask myself can one reason away the emotion of pain or love one has felt in their life. It's like a close balance and if the scale tips to far towards emotional pain we may never recover. Because of my own negative experiences, I feel it's best not to put my foot out there in regard to this hypothetical quest for love. It's a time of equality and I intend to be a duck. That is I'm available but will not be seeking a relationship, rather I'll wait for a women to open the idea. It's a role reversal because in all likelihood and in all respects I'm the one that has the disability.

Google+ Paradigm

I'm making an attempt to stay active today. They say it's a common symptom for people with schizophrenia to sit for long periods of time just thinking. To me it's similar to watching the stream on Google+ as your inundated with media very little of which invites you to participate in conversation. It's feeding the need to know about current events but seems to lack the participatory element that is seemingly integral with the social network.

There are several barriers of course to participation:

•  public conversation invite everyone, but everyone is isomorphic to inviting no one. A poster might think, Wow I found this look how interesting! I think I'll post it on Google+, yet of a hundred things, people find interesting only a few are interesting to the follower. 
• The second most common barrier in my opinion is about self esteem. Insecurity about age, profession, knowledge all fit into the category of insecure self esteem.
• A third barrier is what I call the flood of information barrier. You may find a post interesting yet you might not comment if you find you have nothing to say after you have been inundated with information while sitting passively consuming the posts and comments.
• The generation gap which perhaps could regarded as a life experiences gap some time strikes out a prevents people from participating.
• Yet another barrier is simple ignorance. If you find the conversation is in regard to something you know little about you might refrain so that you don't sound "stupid". 

Despite the barrier though even for passive inundation of media Google+ has it's limits. To some these limits are obvious. Each individual is responsible for who they follow on Google+ so the content in a sense is filtered by your own personal preferences. The only risk is that your media is colored and not accurate because your perspective is limited, but Google+ is not a news network; it's more of a he said she said about this network. To that end if you sit passively reading the information then you have sacrificed your critical thinking skills. Who's doing the fact checking.

As for fact checking it seems more important now then ever. Reputations grow quickly and last a long time on the internet. It's not easy to change your reputation once something has gone awry. In a sense there is no separation between Google+ or other social networks and the real world. The internet has broadened the geographical limits and allowed us to communicate to a much larger audience then ever before, yet it has not dissolved peoples expectation of being treated as human and if you act like a jerk people will block you.

In the end Google+ is meant for humans, despite what you might think about cat's. While I could sit passively thinking for hours while looking across the room at the white on the walls at least Google+ gives me the ability to express myself to others and maybe learn from anyone I choose to follow. I can't control peoples opinion and wouldn't want to, but with a little critical thinking, self esteem and shredding of communication barriers Google+ has created a new paradigm.